Shark Week: 24 Hours of the Best & Worst Sharks in Film, Part III
“Shark Week” is a series dedicated to the education and preservation of one of nature’s oldest, most efficiently evolved species. Nah, just kidding. It’s about people getting eaten as fast as possible. Each week, I’ll be documenting my journey through 36 of the best and worst shark-based films Hollywood has to offer. I’ll watch each film at various playback speeds depending on how good or bad I expect that film to be. Consequently, my comprehension of the plots may vary but chances are there wasn’t much of one to begin with. Here we go again.
This has been a roller coaster so far. Following a week that by all means should have been awesome, I had a great time last week with some truly horrible movies. This time around, the marathon is going to see the first group of entries from infamous movie distributor The Asylum. For those new to The Asylum, it’s a company that specializes in “mockbusters,” or films that parody current big-budget blockbusters. For example, my first interaction with The Asylum was in 2007 with Transmorphers, which I found by chance in Blockbuster. I for sure rented it. It was for sure god-awful. This “mockbuster” strategy has gotten the studio into lawsuits with Universal Pictures, Warner Bros, New Line Cinema, and MGM. Even so, of their 100+ film catalog, The Asylum has never once lost money on a picture, taking an average of 3 months to break even. Anyhow, today we’re cruising through their second most successful shark franchise and rest assured, they will show up on this list many more times.
#9: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009) - Sp. 2.5x, Run - 35 min
dir. Jack Perez
Are you kidding me? This is the most ridiculous opening scene I’ve ever seen and I’m not even talking about the existence of hammerheads off the coast of Alaska. Never mind how small it seems they think the ocean is that all this is happening but no problem, I’m committed. These guys could have gotten stock footage of whales from any PBS special but they went with CGI. Weird choices. Somehow the humpback bumpin’ shakes loose millions of years of ice and the titular anti-heroes are just like “thanks byeeee.” Were they conscious and waiting that whole time? 16-bit Adam Driver (16BAD) is having a conversation on an oil rig about pissing on people or something and the octopus says, “Bro, that’s gross,” and tears that place apart. Everyone’s dead.
Alright, who are the suits standing around this dead whale? Not exactly classified intel there, Skip. Plus, they’re all standing in the exact same spot—not really guarding anything. 16BAD is being interrogated by the military. You can tell because there’s lots of khaki and olive and some guys with guns. They have him draw a picture of what he saw. Meanwhile, some nervous Nellie tells his flight attendant he’s getting married since that knowledge will make her fix the turbulence but mega shark doesn’t even care about that and chomps them all.
Some scientists have a pow-wow about what’s going on and dang, if 16BAD isn’t quite the artist! Good for him. It’s important to have hobbies. It doesn’t end up mattering because someone sends these dudes a timely DVD with footage from the discovery. Who shot this footage? Skinny Steven Siegel brings everyone into one room for some team building with the military. How do we know military? See above. Skinny Steven Siegel gives his best attempts at one-liners but no one laughs. Big montage of scientists doing science things and we have ourselves a plan!
It takes forever for them to set this plan in motion. Two of the scientists have plenty of time to foster a budding romance and no one calls them out on it. An elaborate plot is set up to force MS and GO to kill each other, and a pilot yells “Noooo!” Shaky cam says things are getting intense and finally the big battle goes precisely as planned. Everyone wins! This one wasn’t as fun as I was hoping it would be.
#10: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010) - Sp. 2.5x, Run - 35 min
dir. Christopher Ray
I know it’s difficult to tell for sure at 250%, but I think this guy has the worst Australian accent I’ve ever heard. Not to mention, the captions absolutely describe the Aussie firing a shotgun, but he’s holding an AK. Killer Croc (KC) comes out and chomps one guy and stomps another and I’m dying. This is platinum level.
Moving on and that is definitely Steve Urkel. Yes. Urkel is some sort of shark-whisperer, which I have a feeling will come a great deal in handy shortly. So far both Mega Shark movies have featured a naval captain asking for advice from a subordinate and then immediately denying and gaslighting the claim. Cynical view of the chain of command or harsh political commentary?! Holy Night! The shark just BMX tabletopped the crap out of this ship. Why does the shark seem to always go straight for the Navy? Also, it could just be me, but did that megalodon get WAY bigger suddenly?
Lady in black hires another Aussie to check out the mine from the first scene or something and gets chomped. Aussie Poacher (AP) gives a quick nope and hides in a cave. Instead of trying to grab him with his crocodile teeth, KC reaches for him with his stubby little gator arms, it’s adorable. AP then leaves the cave for some reason and gets chomped. Wait, no! He’s okay! He tranq’d KC, who then went out like a light. That has to be the strongest sedative ever manufactured. Also, new Aussie is much more competent than old Aussie.
Honestly there really isn’t much more worthy of noting in this movie. Not that there’s a whole lot in many of the other movies but there it is. The croc goes on a rampage, some eggs are involved, a kaiju showdown, you know the rest. I’m just going to move on. We have more Mega Sharks to get through. Despite some funny moments, we aren’t headed in a good direction.
#11: Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (2014) - Sp. 2.5x, Run - 34 min
dir. Emile Edwin Smith
Now we’re getting somewhere. It was only a matter of time before a mecha shark showed up and I’m glad that time is now. Another megalodon breaks out of a piece of glacier being hauled by some dudes in Egypt. At least it wasn’t the U.S. Navy this time. He flicks his tail and launches the tug into the Sphinx. So I just looked it up and the Sphinx is 200 kilometers away from the Port of Alexandria. Sorry, everyone, call it quits. Ain’t nobody killing this one, especially this dinky little robo-shark they’re cooking up over here. This thing almost gets taken out by a couple of giant squid which, didn’t we deal with that two whole movies ago? Keep up, Mecha Shark.
Honestly, the whole mecha idea is dumb as hell. You want me to believe the effort you’re putting into this thing wouldn’t be better served making stronger tools that are actually useful? Don’t get me wrong: I’m on board with fighting robot sharks, just give me something to work with. We have another romance angle to work with because The Asylum loves competing storylines. Mecha goes for the first bout against Mega and just gets trashed. Yet another admiral shifting blame. Someone in the writing room had a really bad experience in the Navy. They decide to give Mecha some upgrades and they go in again. Mega is super smart and has great aim. He knocks a torpedo straight into a surface ship. Rosie gets upset and decides to ram him, some incoherent things happen or something and she torpedoes a rock face and gets knocked out.
Mega goes after an aircraft carrier and the strangest pep-talk ensues. It doesn’t work because Mega sinks the carrier. The shark...blew up...an aircraft carrier. Rosie has a series of weird flashbacks to give her some depth and backstory. That doesn’t work either. A bunch of extra stuff happens while Mega is going on his killing spree stomping on ships and chomping on sailors. For a movie called Mecha Shark, there’s a surprising amount of action that takes place out of water.
Mecha Shark then goes rogue and all hell breaks loose when it climbs out of the water and sprouts wheels. Mecha was the monster all along. So now it’s up to Rosie’s deep, well-rounded character to flip the transmitter making Mega attack Mecha. Something about a motorcycle happens and Rosie is saved by Mini-Mecha. A bomb goes off, Mega explodes and the heroes are splattered by a single bucket of fish guts. Last but not least, we learn that the team already spent their full budget on the carrier jet footage because the helicopter in the final shot looks worse than the shark did the whole movie. Ouch. Definitely the worst of the series so far.
#12: Mega Shark vs. Kolossus (2015) - Sp. 3.2x, Run - 27 min
dir. Christopher Ray
Moving on to Rio, nice. How long will it take to destroy Cristo Redentor? Hang on. Did I just see the X-Men? What is happening? Uh oh, here comes Mega Shark. There’s another admiral yelling in his subordinate’s ear, which I’m sure is doing a lot to assist her in her task. Mega Shark does Mega Shark things and destroys a boat. Lots of action shots of Budget Jean Grey hitting buttons and oh there it is. Goodbye Christ the Redeemer. Who guessed under 8 minutes? Budget Jean Grey gets mad, Mega Shark gets madder and Budget Jean Grey is dead I’m pretty sure. Now it’s up to Dollar Store Storm. Never mind, she’s dead too.
In the desert somewhere, some bad guys are meeting and for some reason, they’re subtitled even though they are definitely speaking English. They find this mystery door that has Kolossus inside who, it turns out, is a Terminator version of the titans in Attack on Titan. Which is to say, I actually love it. Bad guy gets stomped. They love stomping in this series.
The next 20 minutes or so are spent politicking and setting up side quests. Fast forwarding to a big naval fleet chumming the waters to lure the shark to kill it. A disgraced scientist was wooed by some—I wanna say—mercenaries? Mega Shark sets a new personal record and throws a destroyer over an island. Again, I just looked it up: Destroyers weigh something like 8,000 tons. Then he does his torpedo trick and knocks out a plane. Dude is batting a thousand. Stop throwing fastballs, dummies.
So, Kolossus is a doomsday machine that no one can find. The only way they can find it is by finding the guy who designed it. Who they also cannot find. How is there nobody keeping track of these things? They search a ghost town featuring a skelly in a car, so clearly this is Ukraine. They find the guy, come up with some plans and leave. Mega Shark is juggling ships and they figure out they can trap him in a cove by blowing up the entrance. This shark can snag airplanes out of the sky but he can’t hop over a few feet of stone. I think the mercs are good guys now?
They’re able to lure Kolossus using his only weakness: a giant American flag. Unfortunately, Mega Shark isn’t having it and seeing the flag gives him the motivation he needs to break loose. The plan backfires and the flag gets stuck over the shark’s eyes, giving Kolossus the chance to give him a bop on the noggin. Oh shoot; the mercs are bad guys again. This Dane guy finds a way to control Kolossus and Mega Shark, affectionately nicknaming them “Surf and Turf.” He gives his villain monologue to, like, a few dozen people around the world. The Air Force responds and Dane goes on with his best evil genius symphony conductor routine and wins handily. The Brass solemnly declares it’s time to deploy The Gipper, which made me gasp before realizing I haven’t the faintest idea what “The Gipper” is. It turns out it’s a secret satellite laser, so Kolossus throws a fastball special, sending Wolveri- I mean Mega Shark into orbit to knock out the satellite. What is even happening? (Normal orbital velocity in Low Earth Orbit is around 17,000 mph—after escaping atmospheric drag—so good for Kolossus’ hammer throw skills.) Sadly, this makes Dane lose control of the shark and he and Kolossus have one more battle before they basically destroy each other. Nothing matters after that satellite nonsense. This was easily the best movie of the franchise, so I’m feeling good.
article written by ande thomas
Ande loves the intersection of sci-fi and horror, where our understanding of the natural world clashes with our fear of the new and unknown. He writes about monsters and foreign horror and can also be found over on Letterboxd.
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