Shark Week: 24 Hours of the Best & Worst Sharks in Film, Part IV

“Shark Week” is a six part series dedicated to the education and preservation of one of nature’s oldest, most efficiently evolved species. Nah, just kidding. It’s about people getting eaten as fast as possible. Each week, I’ll be documenting my journey through 36 of the best and worst shark-based films Hollywood has to offer. I’ll watch each film at various playback speeds depending on how good or bad I expect that film to be. Consequently, my comprehension of the plots may vary but chances are there wasn’t much of one to begin with. Here we go again.

It wasn’t easy, but I’ve survived my first week dedicated to The Asylum films. Not counting, of course, that week in high school after we first got the Syfy channel and I watched nothing else for upwards of a month. I’m going to keep that momentum going and hit the ground running so let’s do this.

#13: The Meg (2018) - Sp. 1x, Run - 1:58

dir. Jon Turteltaub

An interesting thing has been happening recently. A new crop of horror, especially creature-features, have been taking the seeds of the classic “Syfy Original” script and adding a budget and a strong sense of awareness and ending up with a decently entertaining product. So it is with The Meg. I put off seeing this one and now I regret it just a little bit.

First of all, are these guys serious with a real helicopter? I forgot that was possible. (I’m crying a little). Also, Rainn Wilson is in this, which, I had no idea. This is a pretty strong start, I have a feeling this little girl is going to be the star of this film. I like the Mariana Trench false floor theory. Excellent Jules Verne vibes. In fact, the whole aesthetic is aching for 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea comparisons. After several movies with inept boardroom argument scenes, this one is feeling fresh. 

The “Hey Mickey” cover in Thai is a banger. Fight me. Jason Statham is back on board and Ruby Rose has constantly wet hair. I was right—Meiying is the best. Her mom, meanwhile, decides to freeball a rescue attempt and Jason Statham says nice try, I’ll take it from here. The sub gets rescued (mostly) and everyone makes it home safely (mostly) and more arguments about what to do next ensue.

Meiying is hanging around being cute in an awesome scene to introduce the Meg coming above the thermocline. Now they have a new problem that I’m guessing only Jason Statham can solve. After the little blowup about failing to save Toshi, Suyin starts batting her eyelashes hardcore at Jonas. They put a tracker in the megalodon and can I say how refreshing it is to have a giant shark that just does shark things and isn’t tossing 8,000–9,000 ton ships and knocking airplanes out of the sky? Things go right, things go wrong, Suyin is losing air in a 47 Meters Down moment and Jaxx gets her hair wet, which is a pretty fresh look. Tension abounds and Suyin’s poison takes hold of the Meg, killing it. We’re only halfway through the movie, damn. What are we going to do now? Oh Lord, that was just the baby. 

Now they gotta bring the governments in and Rainn Wilson goes rogue in his attempt to blow the real Meg out of the water and they score! That was super easy! Roll credits! Oh shoot, that was a whale and they jet. Rainn Wilson gets tossed overboard and we get a scene from The Shallows (we’ll be revisiting that one) except this time he gets chomped.

The shark makes its way to the crowded beaches of China and starts towing some rafts around. Alex Kintner from Jaws is in the water again and his mom is as overbearing as ever. A dude in a zorb ball is just running over people’s heads and I never realized this was a thing. Zorbing in the ocean is such a good idea. Unless there’s a giant shark hanging around because he gets chomped like a big ol’ popping boba.

The crew is trying to get there but so are the news choppers and OH LORD THE CHOPPERS COLLIDED. The crew gets dumped in a...I wanna say Open Water 2 (stay tuned) nod. Meiying is still adorable and Jonas plays the hero, saving the day in a savage display of masculine power. Hands down this is the best shark movie and even creature-feature in general in a decade.

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#14: Open Water (2003) - Sp. 2x, Run - 40 min

dir. Chris Kentis

Open Water is based on true events, which has me curious. I remember when this came out. My parents had gone to the theater to see it and the sound cut out for half the movie. They got their money back but never went back to see it again. I remember that now because I am immediately struck by the lighting and composition. It looks like it was shot on videotape. It’s hard for me to believe this got a theatrical release, especially one that came to our tiny city of Greensburg, PA. It made $55 million on a $130,000 budget. The bar has been raised.

“Almost from the get-go there is this weird scene of casual nude lounging. I don’t know how it’s supposed to be taken, but it just seems a little absurd.”

Susan Watkins and Daniel Kintner (was that his real name? What is it with Kintners and their luck with sharks?) are headed on vacation. Almost from the get-go there is this weird scene of casual nude lounging. I don’t know how it’s supposed to be taken, but it just seems a little absurd. Susan does too, because she’s not in the mood. The next morning, Dan and Sue head out for some scuba diving. The impetus for the whole thing is a guy who forgets his scuba mask and so isn’t allowed into the water. The camera takes great pain to make sure we get a shot of every single diver jumping into the water. Two divers come up early and the guide tallies them off as having come back up. One of them goes back in with Forgetful Freddy but the tally doesn’t change. Oops. As the divers come back up, the boat leaves, thinking everyone is accounted for. Never mind that there are still two tanks missing—they can’t be that valuable, right?

When Dan and Sue resurface, no boat. I think Dan makes the right call when he says they shouldn’t chase a boat down. Under normal circumstances, you should stay where you are but I guess there is no staying in one spot on the ocean, you are at the mercy of the water, so maybe I’m wrong. I say this because Sue definitely blames Dan for all of his decisions. 

The trouble starts—I mean, aside from being left for dead in the middle of the sea—when the couple floats into a swarm of jellyfish. Forced to swim out of danger, things begin to escalate. First when Sue admits she’s been drinking ocean water, then as exhaustion sets in and they almost lose each other as they drift apart. As the first sharks begin making themselves known, a shocking realization dawns on me—this movie is very poorly directed. I get that they were under budget constraints and that there is only so much you can do when most of the film is in...ahem...open water, but for the love of God, get a steadicam. That aside, I really appreciate the realistic depiction of shark attacks.

As many shark movies as there are, remarkably few concentrate on the terror and suspense of the patience sharks have and the silence with which they hunt. Dan and Sue are helpless as the sharks close in on their prey. As darkness falls and lightning flashes, we’re only left with glimpses of what takes place. This is particularly fitting because we still don’t know what happened to the real couple. The scariest part is how long it takes for the tour company to even realize something is wrong and by the time they do, it is far too late. Even if Dan and Sue aren’t devoured by a giant great white, they were still never seen again.

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#15: Open Water 2: Adrift (2006) - Sp. 3x, Run - 31 min

dir. Hans Horn

Curiously, Open Water 2 is actually completely unrelated to the first film. I don’t just mean it’s a new story (since the characters from the original aren’t exactly feeling up to a sequel) but it literally has nothing to do with the first. Originally just titled Adrift, the unexpected success of Open Water made the studios think they could tag the name onto this one and give it a boost. Not exactly a vote of confidence.

This time around we’ve got a group of old friends who are getting together for a birthday on the open sea. One of the crew, Dan, seems to have struck it rich and owns a pretty nuts boat. Another couple, Amy and James, are coming down with their fresh-off-the-lot baby girl, Sarah. These guys are pretty memorable because they are introduced singing Frère Jacques, which, at triple speed, is an absolute banger. All of the other guests are pretty generic so I’m not going to worry about them until they do something interesting.

Once on the water, everyone decides to go for a dip. Amy says nah, it’s cool, because just by being on this trip, she is braving some PTSD from childhood water-related trauma (that thing that the entire Brody family should be suffering). Dan is that guy who forces you to do karaoke with him because he “just wants you to have fun!” and so decides the best course of action is to pick Amy up and jump into the water with her. At absolute best, this is a questionable decision. More likely, this is to be interpreted as an official Dick Move. And so it is. Worse still, Dan and Amy were the last two on the deck aside from baby Sarah, and Dan forgot to drop the ladder. On the scale of stupid things characters might do, this is tops. It’s also not completely implausible so I can’t judge.

Over the course of the next hour, various attempts are made at getting back on board with various levels of panic. Michelle is the worst. At multiple points, her frantic attempts at maintaining control end up endangering herself and everyone else and no one really calls her out on it in any meaningful way that stops her. As the group’s strength weakens, their body temperatures fall, and they become increasingly dehydrated, they come up with one of their better plans: everyone strips naked and uses their swimsuits to create a makeshift rope which they hope to use to climb the side of the boat. 

Unfortunately for everyone, the near success of their best idea is also the point where everything starts unraveling and fast. First, James decides to dive under the boat near the propeller with their only knife. I’m not sure what his plan is supposed to be but he drops the knife. Luckily, he’s able to swim down and get it back but on his way back up, nails his head off the propeller. Resurfacing, he’s in a bad way—bleeding from the ear and relatively unresponsive. They believe he has a fractured skull so Zach starts freaking out, takes the knife and tries stabbing an entrance into the side of the yacht. Dan loses his mind and attempts to stop the violence against his innocent boat, inadvertently driving the knife into Zach’s stomach. Seeing the amount of blood, Michelle swims hard away, convinced it’s going to attract infinite sharks but she promptly (how does this happen so quickly) drowns. For those counting, the casualty count is now 3, none of which have been caused by sharks.

This whole time, they are taking turns hanging on to some water outlets in the bow of the ship; why are they not trying to use those to climb up? Zach dies. This is finally too much for James who, to be honest, I didn’t even realize was still capable of speech. He punches Dan and, big reveal, the yacht doesn’t even belong to him. They hang out for awhile and Lauren decides she’s gonna make a run for it. One thing I’ve got to say before I phone in the rest of this movie. Keeping in mind that this has no relation to the first Open Water, the cinematographer on this film is miles better. That said, Dan’s finally able to get Amy onto the deck; she releases the ladder and...Dan’s gone. In a moment of redemption as Amy finally faces her childhood trauma, she leaves her baby daughter on the yacht again and jumps back in to save Dan. Cut to the next morning and a friendly ship finally passes by. A crying Sarah is shown, still alone, and on deck, Amy stands over a face-down Dan. I do not know what they’re getting at with that ending.

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article written by ande thomas

Ande loves the intersection of sci-fi and horror, where our understanding of the natural world clashes with our fear of the new and unknown. He writes about monsters and foreign horror and can also be found over on Letterboxd.