Shark Week: 24 Hours of the Best & Worst Sharks in Film, Part VI
“Shark Week” is a six part series dedicated to the education and preservation of one of nature’s oldest, most efficiently evolved species. Nah, just kidding. It’s about people getting eaten as fast as possible. Each week, I’ll be documenting my journey through 36 of the best and worst shark-based films Hollywood has to offer. I’ll watch each film at various playback speeds depending on how good or bad I expect that film to be. Consequently, my comprehension of the plots may vary but chances are there wasn’t much of one to begin with. Here we go again.
You may recall that back in Part III of this series, I said that The Asylum would rear its cheap, ugly head multiple times throughout this journey. Well—they’re back. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t really looking forward to this stretch of the marathon, because we’re about to wade into the murky waters of by far the most successful franchise in The Asylum’s arsenal: Sharknado. I’m splitting the series into two entries so that we can give each film its proper due. So without further ado:
#18: Sharknado (2013) - Sp. 1.25x, Run - 1:10
dir. Anthony C. Ferrante
This movie is infamous and these guys don’t even have time for a production logo. A tornado is already seen picking up a school(?) of sharks who are weirdly swimming in formation. Maybe they’re called a frenzy of sharks? Cutting to a shark poacher who has some businessman captive or something? Perhaps they’re just making an intimidating business deal. He helpfully explains that a group of sharks is called a pod and I don’t think I believe him. The weather is beginning to turn. I have a feeling that things won’t be going well for the poachers fairly quickly here. Sharks are starting to fall from the sky and ha! This guy got sucked up like Kirby. All kinds of things are going on and the sharks execute a well-coordinated attack from the sky, ripping off the captain’s face before chomping the rest of him.
Somewhere else we get to witness a regular old shark attack, except for the part where there are hundreds of them and two guys, Fin and Baz are clearly the heroes here. Baz almost gets chomped but Fin saves him. Then they go up to Fin’s bar to have a drink. On the news, a hurricane is coming in which is a huge plot twist, given the title. Suddenly a shark comes plowing through the window and the bartender, Nova, slams it through the skull with a pool cue like a boss. Sharks are now swarming in the sky (is it a swarm of sharks?) and people are panicking. Baz is on the ground—again—and chokes a shark with an air tank a la Jaws. Fin shoots it out for good measure.
Since Southern California can’t handle any amount of rain, things are at a standstill as Fin & Co™ try to reach his ex-wife and kids. The streets are flooded and sharks are cruising. Dang! An innocent duck just got chomped for no reason! DoestheDuckDie.com? The most horrifying scene in the movie happens here when [content warning!] a wig splashes across a bloody windshield. They stop to save a dog because we can’t have a duck and a dog die in the same movie. Unfortunately, it comes at the expense of George and his bar stool. RIP.
They make it to Fin’s ex’s house but the rescue is momentarily thwarted by Collin, the new guy in the picture. Collin does some chest-thumping about being better than Fin but then a shark crashes through the window and chomps the hell out of him. It’s a real shame because I was beginning to love Collin. You died too soon, Collin. Nova comes out on top and triple-taps the shark in the noggin with a shotgun. If you’re hoping to keep track, the crew is now Fin, Baz, Nova, and the fam, April and Claudia. Now they have to go collect Fin’s son, Matt, who’s off at pilot school—which Fin didn’t know about because Collin said it’s none of his business. That’s cold, Collin. Maybe he did deserve his fate, after all. They come across a stranded school bus and April gives Fin a thrashing for not worrying about his own family. Over a school bus of children. That’s cold, April. Turns out, Fin’s got a bunch of repelling gear in his truck so he jumps down from the overpass. Lucky! He starts hoisting the kids. Okay, two things here. One—he doesn’t even tie a harness, he just has the kids hold onto the rope while they’re lifted 30 feet up. Wow. Two—Baz is pulling every kid, the bus driver, and Fin up by himself, while April and Claudia do nothing. They just watch and yell, “Hurry!”
“What follows is the strangest police chase ever...because it exists.”
They pack the kids up into a fire truck, which showed up just in time for nothing, but now they’re safe and sound. The bus driver, meanwhile, gets stomped by the Hollywood sign, which has gone rogue. For an unexplained reason, the truck explodes, but they saw it coming so everyone’s safe. What follows is the strangest police chase ever. First—because it exists. Sharks are literally falling from the sky and this cop is concerned about a speeding Hummer. (Oh yeah. They stole a Hummer.) Second, because the roads are completely clear of debris after a hurricane passed by. Third, because the Hummer has a nitrous button, thanks to which, they lose the cop and make it to the flight school. Despite the neighborhood being pristine and the hangar being spotless, Matt and the rest of the school are hiding in a shipping container or something. Ooh, I should have held my tongue for just three more seconds because Matt’s instructor walks out into the middle of the hangar and the roof peels off and she gets sucked into the sky screaming, “It’s a sharknado!” That line alone was worth the price of admission.
Their only way out is a helicopter and after just a few seconds of heli-whispering, Matt determines that it will most definitely fly. But before they do that, they’ve got to solve the sharknado problem. Their first and only plan is to grab a bunch of propane canisters, throw them into the tornado from the helicopter, and blow up the sharks. Then throw a really big bomb in, hoping to “equalize the tornado,” stopping it. Ignoring the fact that the average duration of a tornado is about 10 minutes and this one has been going for a good half hour but what am I, a scientist?
Matt spots a scar on Nova’s leg. It’s a surprise this is the first time anyone's seen it because it honestly looks like the makeup department rolled out some playdough and just stuck it to her leg in three long strips. In an act of manliness, Matt shows her his own scar which looks even worse. Team bonding! Things are getting real. The bomb plan is working, against all odds. Fin chainsaws a shark in half longways and then starts popping shark after shark with a handgun. What a hero. Baz finally meets his match and gets chomped. Nova gets chomped from the helicopter while Matt is forced to make a crash landing. Finally, in easily the most memorable scene, Fin dives chainsaw first into a shark’s mouth before cutting his way out. Incredibly, it’s the exact same shark that chomped Nova and she is whole! She even avoided the chainsaw! For some reason she thanks Matt—not the guy who dove headfirst into a shark to pull her out. At least Fin gets a bloody kiss from April. What a movie.
#19: Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014) - Sp. 3x, Run: 30 min
dir. Anthony C. Ferrante
This series has more cold opens than SNL. Fin and April are on a plane heading home when the flight attendant bothers them for an autograph. Hang on. Was that Kelly Osbourne? April invites Kelly to a book signing in New York even though...she literally just...got...her book signed. Fin looks out his window and oh my god, they’re pulling a Nightmare at 20,000 Feet scene. Good for them! A shark is tumbling through the sky having a good ol’ time and they start experiencing some turbulence when Fin snaps open the window shutter to see a shark chomping at him from the wing. Soon, hundreds of sharks are flying around, one hits an engine and they’re in trouble. The plane starts ripping apart and Kelly Osbourne loses her head. In a literal sense. She’s decapitated. Both pilots are next to die so it’s naturally up to Fin to fly them to safety. His son must have taught him something. More decapitations are happening, I think I saw Wil Wheaton. April is almost sucked out of the plane and is hanging on for dear life along with the most soulless, elongated scream in film history. HER HAND GETS CHOMPED OFF. Fin makes Captain Sully look like a chump.
Cutting to New York, we’re following some rando-family with a weird Kevin Bacon-esque dad. We’ve already spent more time with them than anyone in the Jaws franchise not named Brody. Kelly and Michael getting good screen time, damn this movie is cranking out cameos. The weather channel is giving shark forecasts, preparing for 12 inches of shark. I’m dead. I love this movie.
Oh, Kevin Bacon’s wife is Fin’s sister. That makes sense. She asks Fin to make sure Bacon is okay because he’s at a Mets game and Fin’s response is “But I don’t have a ticket.” Luckily she’s got him covered. Ellen and crew are at Lady Liberty catching a ferry back to the mainland and in the least plausible scene in the movie, there are no lines. Fin is in the ballpark and meets up with his buddy Skye, who nails him with a kiss. He shuts her down and it’s heartbreaking. She had definitely been rehearsing that for weeks. The crowd sees the clouds roll in and they go nuts. Dozens of people in Citi Field are running for their lives. Meanwhile, on the ferry, that one lady gets wrecked in the face by a shark. She doesn’t actually get chomped, but her face certainly does.
Plot twist: some city workers get chomped by an alligator. I thought this was about—oh, okay, the alligator then gets chomped by a shark. Something happens in the subway but I really couldn’t say what it was. Dude from Shark Tank gets stomped by the Statue of Liberty’s head. April is sneaking her handless self out of the hospital and Fin & Co™ are gearing up. They find a sword so that’s obviously coming with. They get trapped in a flooded street so naturally they create a rope swing to swing to safety. The cabbie gets super chomped, leaving Fin still stranded so he Frogger’s across a bunch of sharks heads—makes sense.
From the top of a skyscraper, Fin and Skye are using the tried and true tornado cure—bombs. But this time they aren’t working. Suddenly, there are some incoming sharks and Skye slices a shark with that sword. Down below, some flaming sharks stomp like half a dozen people. Hooking up with his sister and crew, Fin & Co™ work their way through the skyscraper. Fin does some magic with a fireax and who else but April meets them outside. How did she even find them? Fin realizes since the bombs weren’t working, he has to freeze the tornadoes with freon. He gives a rousing speech from the top of a fire truck and makes another timely chainsaw kill. April is super jealous so she rigs up a circular saw, Evil Dead style. The freon plan makes zero sense so it totally works. There’s a complication though with Fin and Skye getting blown sky-high. Skye gets chomped in mid-air and the people of New York revolt. Fin reaches into a shark’s mouth and pulls out April’s severed hand, still clutching the gun. Using the gun, he pops another shark and re-proposes to April. This is insane.
#20: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015) - Sp. 3x, Run: 29 min.
dir. Anthony C. Ferrante
Is this Captain America: The Winter Soldier? Who else but Fin Shepard is running by the Reflecting Pool in D.C.when the Secret Service picks him up, peeling out to, I assume, get him to the President. They encounter some protestors or something so Fin jumps out and runs back towards the Washington Monument and gets there so much faster.
April’s pregnant. That’s all.
Mark Cuban is the President of the United States. Fun fact: Word has it that Donald Trump almost landed the role and was reportedly furious when he found out Mark Cuban got it instead. Keep in mind, this was 2014/15 so Trump must have been in serious preparations for the possibility of running for President. Let that sink in.
Mr. Cuban presents Fin with a major award and has to rub elbows with a bunch of cameo appearances but he’s preoccupied because he senses a storm coming. A Sharkstorm. Oh okay, a tornado is forming—now everything adds up. Sharks start flying and doing the most ridiculous things. Cuban’s entire security detail gets chomped and Fin grabs a decorative sword and slams it home. The storm is tearing bricks from buildings and crumbling national monuments which I’m unsure would actually happen. This whole sequence is out of control. Every time I start writing out a highlight, something crazier happens. Fin smashes a shark’s face in with a bust, giving the shark the face of George Washington. I’m just going to leave it at that.
In Orlando, April and her mom are celebrating Claudia’s 18th birthday. Grandma hands Claudia a stack of cash. When I went to amusement parks, I was lucky to get sunscreen. Fin is trying to drive down to meet his family and some random sharks are chompin’. It turns out to be a fognado. Dude’s in trouble when out of nowhere, some Crossbones-looking chick is giving them the business. Oh shoot! It’s Nova! She’s hanging out with Frankie Muniz, tracking sharks across the nation. Fin and Nova spend a few seconds catching up and at the faintest sign of flirtation, Fin blurts, “APRIL’S DUE ANY DAY.” Between this and Skye in the last film, the only thing this guy does better than killing sharks is killing sexual tension.
Nova is actually crazy now but she learned that the sharks are just living in the sky now, so that’s cool. A shark happens to fall out of the sky and into the pool that April and her mom happen to be sitting near. April leaps into action with her go-go-gadget chainsaw hand, but mom holds her back because...baby. Fin and Nova divert to an air force base to get down to Orlando faster and Frankie Muniz explains to the General that a sharkicane may be imminent. Their only shot is a supersonic jet that both Fin and Nova think they can fly. Frankie gets his limbs chomped in brilliant fashion and with an entire air force base in chaos, sharks flying through the air, chomping indiscriminately, Finova have a stress-free chat as they go through pre-flight checks.
For some reason we make a stop at a NASCAR race, which naturally gets attacked by sharks. It’s here we learn that not only can Nova fly a supersonic jet, but she can accurately fire the cannons. A hammerhead hits their windshield, sending them spiraling out of control. Nova regains control just in time for them to touch down in the water in—you guessed it—Orlando. Inexplicably, both heroes emerge from the water in slow motion without clothes. This is the stuff of legend. Both Fin and April are looking for Claudia and find themselves at the top of a roller coaster. Fin almost gets sucked into the sky for the second or third time in this film already.
Nova informs the Shepards that their only solution involves letting the sharknadoes merge and then getting NASA to help blow them up. Fin groans because it just so happens that his dad is an astronaut. He’s also David Hasselhoff. They’ve gotta get out into space to kill the sharknado from above. They find the highly classified, still functioning space shuttle out in the open on a launch pad and Fin suits up in what I think is just coveralls and football pads. April delays the launch by fighting with Fin about whether or not he should go up in the shuttle. Oops, April is gonna have to go up with them. Again, she’s 9 months pregnant. In the 20 seconds between that decision and launch, April is already in her own spacesuit and strapped in.
Nova is helping out the National Guard defend the shuttle with a mascara shotgun. God, this is the best Sharknado yet. As an aside, I just want to mention that their two options were: 1.) this insane plan of taking the space shuttle just to detonate the external tanks over the storm, or 2.) use a bunch of nuclear missiles. But if they could just use combustible fuel anyway, why couldn’t they use conventional missiles instead? In one final act of desperation, they have to use a satellite laser that may or may not be The Gipper. It works and David Hasselhoff is going to have to stay in space because they don’t have enough fuel to pick him up. Oh no. SHARKS IN SPACE!
April gets chomped whole. Fin dives in after her, naturally. The shark is coming back down into the atmosphere, getting charbroiled, so Fin punches a hole in the shark, sticks his parachute out and releases it, bringing them safely down. Sweet Lord. April saws through the shark’s belly and pushes her newborn baby through the opening. This is outrageous. Fin wants to give the kid his dad’s wings, and they’re laying in the sand so April goes to grab them and gets STOMPED by a falling piece of the shuttle. The end. Also, Hasselhoff is still alive and on the moon. How did he get out to the moon and couldn’t get back 100 feet to the space shuttle? I love this movie.
article written by ande thomas
Ande loves the intersection of sci-fi and horror, where our understanding of the natural world clashes with our fear of the new and unknown. He writes about monsters and foreign horror and can also be found over on Letterboxd.
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